managing anger Jan 15, 2018
What happens during anger that makes it so hard to control?
Here is a quick 4-Step strategy to help you deal with anger.
Don’t you get so mad what when you want to let off some steam that you get told to relax and chill!! And even though you know what the person telling you is absolutely right, this doesn’t make it better for you. In fact, it may completely derail you even further. So how do we stop ourselves from completely losing it?!
Fundamentally, one of the biggest reasons we experience anger is because we perceive ourselves as not being heard which basically causes us a massive amount of internal stress. What happens here is that you are caught between your desire to receive (being heard, validated, respected, loved) and you anger or rebellion at the hopelessness of you having no perceived control over the situation.
This can result in an immediate triggering of ‘emotionally charged neural energy’, which like a volcano – it erupts. And because, the stressed feeling is so overwhelming or just too intense all we want to do is get rid of these conflictive feelings inside us.
So, anger can be generally though about as a threat to our Identity and anything that is perceived to threaten our Identity is going to cause some sort of internal conflict and whether we can do something about it or not! Moreover, if we are not anger resilient i.e. we can rapidly calm down the stress response and bring our cognitive mind on-line, we are very likely to revert back into our old default positions in dealing with stressful events. Invariably this means that we respond to the situation using the same anger patterns that we used as child.
So, to deal with anger we must remember that firstly, very rarely does anger spontaneously just come out of the blue. Anger is always about some deeply held beliefs being violated so any action to resolve it always must address this first. Second, to recognise that because these feelings are based on our past they may not actually be true in this event now – that it is just the feeling that exists and is not the truth and last, this way of dealing with angry feelings is the way we ‘survived our past’ and so there is probably going to be plenty of investment in keeping it.
This last bit is the bit that we are addicted to and although the addiction may not actually be serving us anymore we do it anyway because it is easier to carry on doing so. Changing behaviours can be challenging as it does require consistent effort and because learnt triggers are so interconnected, neurologically, we can be triggered many times outside out awareness. Therefore, we need to recognise that anger is a “state of being” that we can be addicted to and thus to change it we must find another more useful state that supports what we want.
Putting it all together: I am going to use the pronoun you but you can apply to others in the same way just swop the pronouns and be creative
1. If you are angry or you see someone is angry the first thing is to honour that that anger by saying to yourself something like the following.
“I know that you are angry right now and you may even have a very good reason for being angry (honouring the anger which has the effect of smoothing ruffled feathers)
2. Find out the meaning behind the anger so take a breath and ask yourself “what happened just before the moment of anger.” Try to recap it.
Going back in time – effectively ‘stops time’ and allows us to bring the cognitive mind back online. Try and get as much as you can about the moment just before in real time – talk to yourself in the present so that you can access the information more easily.
3. Don’t take the first thing that comes into your mind dig a little deeper to get to the real meaning behind the anger – what makes sense for the anger to present itself. Acknowledge this understanding and recognise it was a good strategy perhaps back as a child but it isn’t working now for you.
4. What immediate action can you take now as a result of obtaining this new information – this is the start of creating the new YOU.
Let me know how you get a long I really would like to know.
Watch Sherine’s TV Segment here at:
Patrick Dahdal and all the team at Transformation TV are thrilled to be working with Sherine Lovegrove and sharing her unique message with the world.
Sherine is a registered UKCP Neurolinguistic Psychotherapist and NLP Trainer and has run a successful practice for the past 20 years. She holds a master’s degree in cognitive neurosciences and neuropsychology from Birkbeck College, London and has applied this knowledge to create her ICAN Model, which is designed to activate naturally occurring brain mechanisms to not just help us change our behaviours but also to make those changes stick. Sherine specialises in the field of self-development, Energy Psychology and Applied Quantum Sciences. Her greatest desire is to give people the opportunity to live a truly successful and fulfilled life.
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